How my answering machine would sound like.

Hello and welcome.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we

can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number

to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will

answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative

comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date

of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0

0 0.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss,

press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

And...if you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.